Must Blog, Must Write

I've been scanning the blogs on here. Yeah, I know everyone has gone over to Xanga now. Oh, well. I have, too, but the site is down now. Check me out when you get a chance. www.xanga.com/arae_23 So, for all you faithful Bloggers, here's my heart for today and for the past few days.

"All my triumphs I count but loss.
All my failure I leave behind.
I have one vision Your rugged Cross.
I have one misison to come and die.

I have one banner Your endless love.
I have one passion to see Your face.
And I've one banner Your kingdom come.
I've one obsession to sit and gaze.

And I will be a fragrant burning.
I'll wash Your feet with my tears.
My love will be a poured out offering to You.

Nothing compares to You."


This is an awesome song by Derek Loux, a new singer out. His music is moving, people. And that's big praise coming from me. I don't get into this whole emotional trend of music out now in Christian praise and worship but Derek's is for God, you just know it.

Anyway, the last blog I made before the big announcement:) , was about me being the big disappointment. And I've proven this point quite a few times in the last couple of months, let me tell ya. But the grace is still there, my Father's grace.

You know something? Being a disciple is a lot harder than I gave it credit to be on the disciplers, the teachers and spiritual parents. They don't know how to father us like our Father does... Because they aren't Him. Not their fault, mind you, since they are only made in the IMAGE of God. Still...

"Not many should want to be teachers..." There is a VERY good reason why not! Spiritual parents have to be both teacher and pastor to the disciples God gave them. They have to teach the child, disciple, the way in which they should go and trust and WAIT for them to return to it. AND love them with their WHOLE hearts along the way.

Children, disciples, hurt their parents so very much in this process even though it's commonly thought that the growing pains are harder on the children. Not true, I think. The parents have to watch their children make their choices, sometimes even the wrong choices, and have to support them.... AND be open to the hurt it causes themselves, these poor parents.

Just think! I'M going to be a parent someday!!!!! Dear God... Make me stronger than I am now 'cause I know I probably would not finish it as gracefully as my parents, both physical and spiritual, have.

To Rob and Jessica:
Thank you.

To Mom and Dad:
You deserve an eternity of vacation for the job you've done with me!



I'm leaving now. It's time. My decision, my choice, has been made. Stewart and I will be married this Thursday afternoon. I'll be leaving for Scotland the following Wednesday. Fast, yes. And set, yes. I'm ready, God. Here am I, send me to do Your will in this new place. Send me to be a mom to some young child of Yours. I know I'm not ready and honestly never would be. I pray, though, that the lessons You've taught me through both sets of parents WILL NOT leave me and that I will love as they have loved.

Amen.

Sarah's new Blogsite

Hey everyone...just like everyone else, I have a new blogsite. you can find it at http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=grlonfire4jc I am going to try to be a lot more faithful to blog on that one than I have been on this one. Maybe Anna and Kristie will join the xanga bandwagon soon. Who knows?

Dana's New Blog Site

Hey Guys,
Sorry I haven't written hardly anything. I've just been so busy. Well God is doing amazing things in my life. The one thing that has changed dramatically is my perspective on life. I've realized how small I am. You would think I would have that figured out sooner. But I didn't. I still thought I was something special.
Well I'm going to try to blog more, I have another blog web site. So check it out. The address is www.xanga.com/danamartin . Well I'm going to go for now.
Peace, Dana

P.s. thanks for the idea Rob! :) Love ya!

Rob's New Blogsite

Hey ya'll, I have been playin' around and I have created a new blogsite just for ME! I will be posting many different things on an almost daily basis. You don't want to miss it! Check it out:
www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=ncdreamcenter

CHECK IT OUT!!! ENJOY

WANNA TELL THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!!!!!

Ok, gottta spill!!! I've been dying to tell everyone I meet, so this will be my medium!!!:)

My best friend, Stewart from Scotland, proposed to me about three weeks ago.

Yes, he's the one that came to visit in early December. When he came here, we were nothing to each other except for the best of friends, I thought. And we WERE best friends, don't misunderstand. Though apparently God had other plans in mind for us!

Stewart has been my rock of strength during all these times you've seen me blog on here and some others I didn't dare tell anyone. And he was also the one who'd kick my butt even when he was afraid of hurting me or of losing my friendship. Know what else? He's also the one that knew since MARCH God meant us to be together..... AND HE KEPT HIS MOUTH SHUT!!!!!!!!! Something I'd prayed for, the man would know but would also keep quiet until he'd been released by God to tell me.

To be perfectly honest, when he told me he knew in his heart God had meant us to be together, I was a bit afraid. Would I lose my best friend in this? What if this changed the entire dynamic of our friendship? Was this something I brought on, not God? Talk about a lot of praying to do!!!

I did pray and got an immediate answer. While that was GREAT God gave me such a quick answer, I still needed the confirmations I'd asked God to give me from when I'd prayed about whoever God was sending me, meaning my mother had to know before I did as did my leadership here at the Dream Center. Well, Mom asked me when I was moving to Scotland before I had the chance to tell her ANYTHING and Rob and Jessica have known for some time now!!!!

And had that been my only confirmations, I'd have been fine, in fact, WONDERFUL!!! But God, being the amazing Father He is, gave confirmation after confirmation.... See, Stewart and the dreams and visions he has for ministry line up with mine. And being joined together fulfills the call placed on my life in the areas of becoming a missionary as well as a pastor's wife. (Stewart has been asked by his pastor to start up a house church!!!!!!:)

You guys know, you've seen my heart as it has learned what God's been defining the dreams and visions He put in there!!!! And you can also see just how many blessings God is giving me through Stewart and through our marriage, when it happens.....

Funny thing.... I'd stopped praying for a husband. And I'd been praying for a friend, a best friend... Stewart filled BOTH positions as well as so many more.:)

So, rejoice with me, all you bloggers and blog readers!!!! GOD ANSWERED MY PRAYERS!!!!! AND GAVE ME THE DESIRES OF MY HEART!!!!!!!! AND, He's not done yet!!!!!!!!

Wow!

Perfect

So Why did God give us this bible! I mean why! I wonder if people actually have sat down and asked themselves that question REALLY! I did! Yeah he gave it to us to teach us his word! To have faith! THERE are a ton of reasons why I KNOW he gave it to us. BUT I guess I was asking what is it I am not getting yet! Well he told me..lol He DID NOT give us the bible so we could read this book and feel overwhelmed that we could NEVER measure up! I know God loves us SOOOOO much he does not want to see us fail! So why is it so hard! WHY is it so hard to die to oneself and serve GOD whole heartedly? I guess I have been a little in the mindset that the bible is there to help me be the best I could be. And eventhough I fail at times its ok! cause GOD loves me. WHICH IS TRUE! However Jesus basically is proof that it CAN be done! That we can serve GOD and be PERFECT! Here is my thoughts I guess! I know GOD LOVES ME so much he isn't going to set me up to fail.. The bible isn't here to tell us how AWFUL we really are! Its here to encourage us and help us get through rough times and to build our faith! I think sometimes not meaning to teach it or maybe we receive it that way, but God forgives us when we sin! So we expect to sin! What if we didn't expect to! What if we told ourselves that we are going to do what is right at all times! Why not? What if we said we would listen to our spirit when its speaking to us! Gosh I am not saying this because its something just EASY to do. It would BE SO HARD! But if we are in the mind set that I am going to do it. That I know GOD desires to see me succeed. That the bible isn't here just to show us what WE can't measure up too, however its an obtainable goal and he proved it with JESUS! He loved us SO much he sent Jesus here for us! So why would he want us to try to do something that would just in the end we would fail! HE DOESN'T.... he knows if we have the faith and die to ourselves we CAN and be what we need to be here on earth! In one little book it has ALL the answers! YOU just have to be willing to fight for them! Not let the enemy destroy you and your faith!

The GREAT Disappointment

Guys, I suck.

I've been such a disappointment for pretty much my entire life. And I don't measure up to anyone's standards.

Please, don't think this is one of those "woe is me" blogs I'm infamous for. No, this is just stating the facts. I DON'T MEASURE UP!

In dealing with life, MY life, I haven't been dealing with the present, but the past. I CAN'T seem to deal with the present, let alone the future, until I've confronted who I used to be and what I've been. And there's where I don't measure up.

Sarah said last night that I have to be ready in season and out. Yes, that applies to the COMING OF OUR LORD... But it also applies, contemporarily, to dealing with our lives and living them out in the present, not the past. BUT, OH GOD!

How does someone deal with the present, and the people in it, when the past seems to have a strangle hold on them? What do I have to do in order to get the hold RELEASED?

The past says that I fail everytime I try to help someone, that I can't commit to them.
The past says that I disappoint everyone counting on me.
The past says I've let people down and have discouraged their faith... Even to the point of losing it.
The past says I'll never succeed.....
And so does my father.

I buy into the lies. BUY! And hold onto them. And hold them up as a mirror for what I see in me now.

AM I that person? AM I that failure? And if so, WHY IN GOD'S NAME would He want me? Especially if I keep failing. And failing.... AND FAILING!

Humbly Shutting Up

I won't say a whole lot of what happened this weekend. Suffice it to say that God spoke. And I shut up.

Stewart, our friend from Scotland, came for the weekend as well. Haven't laughed this hard in a while. LONG while. He was good for me and everyone else here. His spirit of relaxed joy is just what we all needed. HE brought us closer as a group of interns... Closer than we have EVER been as interns, together. And he's from a foreign country... GO FIGURE!!!

I'm not worried anymore. And I don't care anymore. I just don't care! God is here.

P.S.
What is this? The "Kristie and Anna Show?" WHERE IS EVERYONE?!?!?!?!?!?!?:)

BLIND!

I'm coming to the end of my phase, and I have NO idea of what's going to happen next!!!! None.

Starting the internship... Yes, you guessed it. POMPOUS!!!! CHILDISH!!!!! AND CONVINCED I WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow... Talk about deceived.

The 4th Phase is supposed to be one where we begin to function in whatever area of ministry we are called to. And I haven't a clue what ministry God really wants me in.

Growing up, I was never more sure of anything as I was the call to be a missionary. And I still am sure of that call and don't doubt it. But when, God? When am I to be released in that? Certainly not now!!!! I don't know WHAT I'm to do for now...

Anyway, I have three months to hear from God about this.

What do I do if He says leave at the end of my internship? Would I have the faith to just pick up and do it?

Or what if he says I'm not to go until I'm 90 years old? What do I do in the meantime?

I know, I know.... Need not to be set in this WORKS mentality... But what does He want me to do in the meantime? I'll not have a place to live. (NOT going back to parents'!) My job is only part-time and I definitely don't feel a release to stop working there. On the contrary, I'm know I need to be there an indefinitel amount of time. And my car is STILL not working, so I can't get to work if I move anywhere else.....

Dear God!!! You can FEEL the stress on me right now... And SEE it with the nice, GIANT fever blister on my nose..... NOT funny, God!:)

I dunno... And I don't know a whole lot.

There is MORE to it!

YES... Its ME AGAIN=) I am not sure even where to start! I was driving home tonight from work and listening to this AWESOME CD that a friend gave me! As I was listening to it and just thanking GOD for being so AWESOME!! I was sitting there thinking YES this is what its about. THIS is it.. The joy and the love, the great feeling just knowing your in his presents! Oh man my heart was overwhelmed by him! I just felt like I would not be able to contain it!! Wow! As I was listening and all this was going on God was showing me something. Memories of my own! Then I realized why! I was remembering the FIRST bible I ever got! IT was from my grandma and it was King James! Just a regular bible no study bible! Now she did not tell me where to start reading it or anything. She just gave it to me and we never talked about it. Anyway I started from the beginning.. Well that's what you would do with any book right! Well after getting so confused on the words I gave up before hitting chapter two! Never really tried again! The next memory I had was being invited and apart of a youth group. I went for a while was even involved in their Christmas program. However I don't remember much about God. That's when I heard about God, Jesus and the holy spirit. I JUST didn't get it! Then I remember about 5 years ago attending a little church in hagerstown! My friend Erin invited me, I met her while in college. I LOVED it.. Loved the people! When her dad was preaching I felt like he was talking to me! Hmmmm but slowly I stopped going! ANYway I was like ok God why what are you trying to tell me here! Then it hit me what he was saying. That amazing feeling and joy I had, people don't get it as soon as they accept Jesus into their hearts. They need guidance and direction! That is why I personally am SO thankful for my church! If it was not for the classes and the people willing to pour into others lives then I probably would of slipped away again! Because they helped me understand things that I didn't. They helped me understand that I needed to read the bible on a regular basis. They helped me understand a lot! I guess I just want to say its not enough for us to be used by GOD to bring people to him! Once they ask him into their lives we just don't hand them a bible and say see ya later! We don't think wow we got another one.. Pat me on the back and move on. To me that's JUST the beginning. We need to pour into the lives of others! We need to help them get to the place where I was in my car tonight! A place of Joy and my heart being overwhelmed by GOD's love! IF you have been there you know what I am talking about. Its better than anything I could type! Words cannot express or do it justice! Encourage each other and love on each other! Go after the lost(who have given their lives to GOD and those who haven't) but once you find them continue to show them the way! You would be surprised what a little encouragement,direction and love would do for someone!

Unknown title

I Just DON'T get it! I will be honest here! I don't get people!! I want to though! And again I am talking about Christians! Then again after Saturday I am not sure that is a good word! Listening to Luke shoot I tried to remember and I can't say that I do ever remember going to someone and referred to myself as a Christian! (I mean since I have been actually saved) Cause For SO long a Christian to me was just someone who went to church. Ummm I even remember calling myself a Christian BEFORE I was even saved in high school once! How funny only because I went to church a couple of times! To me Christians were not any different than anyone else.. Well they didn't look or act it anyway! I just knew I wanted to be good:) I have been pondering all week who am I? What do I want people to see? I know I am selfish, prideful(didn't realize how much) but I ALSO know I am the daughter of God! I know in MY heart that I LOVE GOD with all my heart and with all my soul! Big statement I know! But that's how I feel! All I think about is him! All I want to do is learn something new about him! I want him to use me for whatever he feels fit! hmmmmmm not sure I really have a point to all this! Just sometimes I wish people would not get caught up in the title or strive for a position even! Its about your heart and just going out and serving people! Because that's all God wants us to do! SHOW the love to others as he has so wonderfully showed us! Guess what ITS FREE!!!! ITS ALREADY OURS!!! So what gives us any right what so ever to think WE can put a price on it! We shouldn't choose who gets it and who don't. (but we do don't we) PEOPLE we need to WAKE UP! ITS NOT ABOUT US! The sooner WE realize that the better off we will be!! Shoot its not easy getting to that place because the world is selfish...Its all about what can I do for myself to get ahead! How can I make it better for ME ME ME ME ME!! I guess it comes down to getting the focus off ME and put it ON GOD! Then when that focus is on him... You tend to SMILE :) a lot more!

Precious Life, continues.

It's been a bit since I've been able to sit down and talk more about this. That's ok. God knows it takes forever and a day to get through my thick skull!!!! (Strength and Weakness)

Today, I joined a support group for women who've had miscarriages.

Wow! That was a humbling thing for me to say, LET ALONE do!!!!! I know, I know!!! The whole pride thing... I'd figured that only weak people needed support from other people... And think!!! I'd even BLOGGED ON HERE about needing someone... I'm so dumb sometimes!!!

Tonight, I actually asked the people from house church to pray for me, for healing from having lost a child. I asked. Hmm. Don't ask for ANYTHING, let alone for prayer for a weakness in my life. And I asked my family, the very ones who could hurt me the most with this information.

Why did I ask, then? Because I know these are my family, and I know they won't betray me. They have something in them that makes it so they CAN'T betray me... My Father. He guards me. He protects me. And He is healing me... Through my family.

There's so much more to this. And I'm getting there. I'll be different, but I'll be there.

Yeah, I'm rambling, so I'll leave it at that.

What if?

This is a blog I posted a few days ago in my other blog. God has just really been resounding htis in my heart. There is a renewed passion he is stirring inside of me.

As I was praying this morning, I just had a few thoughts running through my mind. What if the church would quit talking about unity, and actually walk in unity? What if instead of expecting our complaints to heal our land, we humbled ourselves, prayed, sought his face, and turned from our wicked ways? What if I could see the plank in my eye rather than the speck in someone else's? What if we did what we said we would do? What if we expected God to do what he said he would do? What if we lived like we serve a holy God? What if we prayed and fasted as if we believed it would change things? What if we gave all to the One who truly gave all? What if we refused to compromise? What if we truly died to self? What if we allowed Him to consume us? What if we really knew what it was to be hungry for God's Word? What if we knew what it means to thirst after righeousness? What if we truly saw every encounter as a chance to be Jesus? What if we lived like we knew the God who is love? What if we were different? What if?What if?

What if God answered? What would he say? To be continued...........

I think I get it

Rob always says, "You have to be willing to accept that you might not know what you think you know." I have thought that I understood that until I had a new revelation of what that truly means. I knew what it meant, but only applied it to certain areas of my life and ministry. I now realize there are people who are completely different from me in personality and spiritual giftings, who I have looked at and thought they didn't get it. In actuality, though, it was me who didn't understand those aspects of God. I am a very down to earth, in your face kind of girl. And God is a very down to earth, in your face kind of God, but that is just one aspect. He is also gracious, loving, and comforting. He is also a God of warfare and power. He is the Daddy whose lap we can climb up on, the Bridegroom who loves us with an everlasting love, a mighty King who leads his people into battle, our provider, our lover, and our judge. When I truly begin to understand these different aspects of God, I will begin to understand the different people who are in his kingdom. Who am I to judge anyone else based on my so limited human perspective of God? Maybe someone who I think is different or weird or wrong is closer to God than I have ever dreamed of being. I just might not know what I think I know.

Precious Life

Some days are better than others when it comes to this.

When I was married, I immediately became pregnant. And then about 3 months later, I miscarried. I don't know if I've ever said this on Blogger, but there it is.

Being married at 18, right our of high school, and starting college while keeping down a full-time job... It's no wonder my body rejected the baby. THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER!

This is a day that's harder for me. I've had time to think lately and have had a TON of things on my mind, most of which made me deal with all this stuff inside. While there may be several other things that need to be dealt with, seems like God has this as His next priority.

God, FATHER, this is hard. And You know it. You see all the uncried, suppressed tears. You know the condemnation I put on myself as did others around me at the time. But most of all, You hear me mourn. And my soul is so far from healed of this. Mostly because I haven't dealt with it, just let it stay at the back of my mind, untouched as much as possible. There's been a huge door with a gigantic padlock I've place on it so no one, NO ONE, could get in and see this pain.

Why is the door opening? Why is the hurt being revealed? Why now, God? I just got through so much... And now there is EVEN MORE!!!! I really don't know if I can handle it. Not like I have been, anyway. This is much harder, and MUCH more personal than anything I've ever dealt with. What do I do? How do I stop this pain? How can I be released from this guilt I have about her? Reassure me that she is with You, and safe, and whole, and happy... Protected by You...

God THIS HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saved

We all watched the movie "Saved" the other night. If you look at that movie wiht an open mind rather than saying that is just Hollywood bashing Christians, you will realize that is how the world views the church, and probably with good reason. I have been Hilary Faye, and I have been Mary. Like Hilary Faye, I would look down on others who chose not to live according to what I considered high standards, not realizing that I couldn't see the plank in my eye through the speck in others. Later, I went through a period where I wanted to live as close to the sin line as possible without crossing it. I would drink, but not get drunk; go clubbing with friends, but not hook up with anyone or do anything "really wrong." It took about 2 months of that ofr me to get sick of it and realize all that did was separate me from God and cause me to be the hypocrit I so despised. Then one day I realized instead of avoiding doing things that are wrong, instead I should focus on doing things because they are right. It sounds the same, but it's not. I an go clubbing because it isn't wrong as long as I don't engage in the things going on that are wrong. But what is right is to choose to not go at all, just because it isn't the wisest choice.
"All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial," Paul wrote. It is time for the church to raise up a standard of righteousness. We must be real. It isn't about being relevent to the world around us. If people wanted more of the same thing they have, they wouldn't look to God or us. People are looking for something different if they are starting to look to us for answers. I want to be different. I want to continually press in closer to God, to become more like Christ. We must show people we are Christians by our love, not our judgement. We have no right to judge someone who doesn't even claim to be a Christian by the standards of Christianity. Instead we must reveal God's love through our words, actions, and lives.

Life

Hello everyone,

It has been awhile since my last blog. I have been doing some serious self analyzing the last few days, and have come to the conclusion that life is truly precious in all its glorious ups and downs. There has been a level of true joy in my heart that I have not felt in a very long time, and for that I am truly grateful. I have for so long wondered through this life with these, what I like to call "WILDERNESS ATTITUDES" Thus causing me to not fully appreciate the beautiful love that God has for me. I have been my own worst enemy for years raising doubt, when there was no reason to doubt. Lying to myself, so that I would feel better about myself, these are all attitudes of our heart that seriously hinder our relationship with God, and for that I must repent, because that repentance is the first initial step to a real lasting change. I encourage all who read this blog to stop right now, and search your heart is there an area of darkness that you want to be gone? If so, repent and ask Jesus for that power that is only available through the cross. I am Forty now and soon to be Forty One, and feel as if my life has just begun, because of the love God has for me and the transforming power he has administered in my life. He has placed so many dreams in my heart that I can't comprehend with my limited carnal mind, but I know they are from God, because they are larger than anything I could ever dream of. I am not talking about some super Ministry, but just everyday things that for so long were not given a second thought. This is what true joy is all about ,because you understand that when these things happen and come into your heart it is from God,and that makes it soooo sweet.

Trebby

Christians vs Christians

Have you ever been to the point where man you just don't know what is the next step to take? I have SOOOOO many weaknesses!! I have so many sins!! It can be overwhelming to some people sometimes! You have all this and still people come to you and withdrawals a little bit more! It cracks me up sometimes that Christians rag on Christians! NOT everyone is like that but lets be real we judge people. We easily criticize people and WE are the Christians! What happened to just loving people and their faults. JUST because your a Christian it does not automatically turn you into a perfect person! I mean we all have areas that need worked on. However some Choose to sit back and judge. Man I mean where is the GRACE!!! People are going to hurt you! People are going to offend you! That's life! Its what YOU do with the choice your given. HOWEVER if you know the person who hurt or offended you... I mean if you REALLY knew their hearts! Especially if there heart is to serve the Lord then why aren't you giving some grace for them. I know God himself could come and point out every weakness every mistake I have made. I know though that GOD loves me unconditionally! Loves me and wants to see me in his Will!! We would not get mad at him or not talk to him for days! NO he is GOD!!! I am not comparing Christians to God, but my point is we are suppose to walk in love and live a no doubt lifestyle! Stop blaming other people and start taking responsibility for yourself. Stop letting others steal your joy!! Support each other in love! And remember we are all human! Start praying for your leaders!! Start praying for your families! Pray for the people who hurt you! Spend some time with Jesus and just listen to him and imagine him holding you in his arms. God is SO AWESOME!!! I am so glad that he died on the cross for me! FOR me a nobody!! Wow how amazing is that!!!!

More I know, the Less I know

Rob and his wife Jessica are some pretty good teachers to learn from. And learning from their teachings doesn't necessarily mean by just listening to them during classes, but watching how they live their lives. What I've come to learn is exactly what the title is: the more I know, the less I know.

Having been involved in a mega ministry underneath an awesome covering like Joyce Meyer... One is left to wonder what in the world could be next! I fully expected to be launched into a ministry of my own once I left the St. Louis internship. Yeah, I was suprised by what did happen. The last thing I wanted was another internship. AND DEFINITELY not one underneath a "pompous jerk" like Rob! And yet again, I was wrong and DEFINITELY suprised again!

If people never see anything else from Rob, then they will see his love. And that love is not his, but Christ's.

Last Sunday, I was waiting on God and knew He had something He wanted to tell me. So, I got quiet, stopped singing, and waited. Know what He said? "I love you." Not exactly a NEW revelation, but what WAS new, to ME, was how He said it.

God wanted me to know that He was using Rob and Jessica to love me. These two phenomenal people have been loving me, even at my most unlovely. And they are going to bat for me, even when everyone else might think I need to be left to my own resources. They are sticking around and fighting for me.

The other night, MAN!!!! Was I ever struggling!!!!!! And Rob knew that. Know what he said? He said, "I won't let you fall." And later on in an email, he told me he'd make sure that I wouldn't have to deal with injustice, regardless of whether or not my actions said that I should expect what I got, since I'm the one that screwed up and not them.

I haven't ever had this. Never.

These people love me. They see my dreams, my hopes, my heart. And they want that MORE than they want their own to be accomplished. Dear, God!!!! What did I ever do to deserve these people as my friends and counselors?

Before, when I had a dream or a hope that God put in me, my leaders and guides would encourage me and tell me that it was a GREAT idea. But they left it at that. Why did they have to get involved any further? Was there any point or reason to? And forget standing by me when things became rough!!!!!! They turned against me and would side with anyone BUT me.

And now, I have this incredible gift of leadership to guide me and sometimes CARRY ME. God, I honestly don't deserve this.

I DESERVE to have the wolves come after me and devour me. Yet, You see so differently. Not only do You set before me these awesome examples, but You give them a heart to see me lifted up, encouraged, bandaged, and loved.... How can this be?

Countless times have I messed up even since I joined this program. And countless times, Rob or Jess have taken me aside, kicked my butt gently, and then hugged me and told me that I'd get better. And that they loved me.

I am not worthy of such a gift, God. Not even close.

God, PLEASE bless these people and their family. They'd give their lives for You and Your children. I don't ask You to bless them just because of what they've done for me, but because they TRULY have Your heart about this, Your plan. Honor their obedience to Your will. Grant them favor with those in control of worldy power and money. Bless them with things and by measures that they have yet to see. Their hearts are true, after Your own.

More from the Block

We had our first official house church tonight for the new season. (We took the summer off.) And it was a family meeting again, just like before. Man, did I ever miss it!!!!!!

God showed up, thank goodness. And during worship, you could just feel a.... Well.... GOODNESS in the room. That's all I can think to describe what we all felt. I had a kid on my lap for pretty much the entire worship part of the night and Carissa, a beautiful girl of about 11, with her skates came and sat down. Since I was running the power point program for worship, I was a bit scared of something happening to Rob's computer, etc. Well, Carissa just sat there and I held her... COULDA just SQUEEZED her!

Trebby got up to pray and kinda guide the time a bit and he said, "Can you feel God here tonight?" I asked Carissa if she knew how to feel that God was there. She said no. So, I said that you can feel God when you feel loved. She said, "Well, then God must be here because I feel loved."

Truth. And not just a feeling. Not emotion, but truth.

I am even guilty of this: emotionalizing worship and making it into an experience that happens only a few times a week if at ALL in a week. And I hear Carissa say that she feels loved.

When do I NOT feel loved? Are there times throughout the day where I don't feel loved? Actually, I don't care if I feel loved, but because I KNOW I am loved.

Do these people we see each day know what I know? Do they see and feel what I do? And how much do I take for granted the knowledge that this love I KNOW is God. He is constantly around me, never leaving me even if I don't feel Him. What does everyone else know?

I can't even imagine... The fear they know. Pain. Terror. TORTURE. They know this everyday, every MOMENT. UNTIL someone walks into the room and brings Someone with them.

Carissa felt that love because we all brought Him with us. And until other people in our churches get this, the churches will remain cold, old, and moldy. With no new life coming in. At house church, we are WARM. And family. No mold growing here!!! No room to! We're getting too full for anything else to try to move in.

Living with Sarah

I am Sarah's best friend from High School. We have been friends since we were 13 years old. Right now we are interns at the N.C. Dream center and we are room mates along with two other amazing girls, Anna and Angela. Let's just say life with Sarah is.....well interesting. :)
When we graduated from High School we both moved far away. I moved to Charlotte, North Carolina and she moved to Texas. I always thought I would stay in Charlotte. I never thought I would move back home, but boy did God have different plans. Sarah also felt she would never come back to Indiana. As we were moving away we thought to ourselves will we ever do ministry together like it was prophesied over us when we were fifteen. But thank God he brought us both back home and now we are both growing and doing what God put inside of us to do. Sarah is the outreach children's director. I never thought she would be ministring to kids, esspecially street kids. But as I began to watch her interact with the kids....I was amazed. She had this unexplainable way to talk to them and build trust. Now kids run up to her yelling her name and giving her hugs. I aslo have had the privalige to see her serve another ministry other than New Covenant (our home church) or the Dream Center. We both go to the D.I.V.E. on Wednesday's. It's an awesome children's program at Four Square Church. She truely has a Kingdom vision and a servants heart. And I love her.
This is my first blog and I just wanted to brag on my friend as well as share a little bit about me. I love living with Sarah. She is also the R.A. of the intern house. And she is doing an amazing job. Living with Sarah is fun and is an adventure. Now don't get me wrong it has it's ups and downs, but it's worth it. Because now we are doing ministry together even though we never thought it would happen. God is so good.
Love,
Me

Can these dry bones live?

Sometimes reality hits hard. Friday night was one of those times. After getting a call that one of the guys in the neighborhood we have adopted had overdosed, Rob, Trebby, and I left a conference in Anderson to get back to New Castle. We got word on the way home that he had already signed himself out of the hospital, so we headed for his house. I don't think I will ever forget what I saw when we went in there. Him and his brother were so far gone, they couldn't even talk to Rob. As the story unfolded the next day, we learned the guy who OD'd actually died that night....his heart stopped beating and he stopped breathing. His brother saved his life by pounding on his chest out of panic. You would think after that experience the next day when he saw us he would be asking for help, right? No, instead he was back to dealing.
When I his house friday night, all I could think of is how people live like this everyday.....a hopeless, meaningless existance. The next day as I walked around, I was looking at the kids and teens, and I realized that if something doesn't change, one of them will be the next big new drug dealer on the block in a few years. And most of them could be the addicts who enable him. I have been getting quiet with God asking how do make this hope hthat is inside of us real to them? How do we change a generation? How do we keep from being the church everyone went to when they were kids, without any impact on the way they live the rest of their lives? How do we get them past the point of wanting to go to a fun program to having a relationship with the true living God? Can these dry bones live? Only God knows. But this I do know: God has called us to be a light to this city and this neighborhood. And He is not willing that any should perish. God has asked me to be faithful whether I see results or not, and that is what I will do. Satan better beware, we are not going to give up on these people's souls the way others have done. They are not the scum of society, but our friends, our family. We will continue to love them with the love of Christ, because that love "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Healing

Oh, thank You God. Thank You.

People... God is really a God of healing. Really and truly. And don't think that healing is something Jesus did only when He was physically walking on this earth. He still does them. "They will do greater things than these (His works of healing and miracles) for I am going to My Father." God still wants to heal His children and make them whole again, the way He originally intended for us to be and feel.

See, since my divorce, every anniversary, say... of the marriage, of when I lost the baby, and especially of the day the divorce was final... Well, let's just say that I was severely dehydrated. Not only that, though, not just the crying, but I know WELL the feeling of nashing of teeth! You may laugh, but these days... Oh!!! They slammed me and I would be sick for days, even weeks, before and after.

Know what? This October 5th, it was 3 years since the divorce was finalized. And know what else? I was fine. Sure, I was struggling. BUT NOT LIKE BEFORE!!! I was struggling with some other issues God's been dealing with me about. I wasn't a depressed ball of snot laying in a heap on the floor... I'm not allowed to be there anymore. Not in the fetus position and crying out for peace... No.

I am a princess... And I am worth it. I am whole. I am beauty. I am peace. I am value. I am cherished. And I am pure.... Pure.... And I can wear white at my wedding, when God brings to me the man of my dreams who will set me above all else but God. I am a lady.

Adopt-A-Block

This ministry is HARD, but stinkin fun!

What we do, out on the block, changes each time we're out there. And each time, it puts a new perspective on things, a new spin.

Ok, some details. We've "Adopted" a neighborhood in our community which has a known history of drug and alcohol use as well as a higher crime rate than others. "Adopted" means that they've become our family. LITERALLY! When they hurt, we hurt. Blah, blah, blah... The most important thing? We love them. Can't help it. And can't stand it when we don't get to see them for whatever reason.

Officially, we go out to minister every Saturday and go house to house. Unofficially, we're out there a WHOLE lot more than that! Thursdays, for instance, we have Metro Kidz, a sidewalk Sunday school. Not to mention the times we go out just to visit with them for a bit. But Saturdays is the day the community and our church recognizes it as ministry. Eh. The real ministry goes on when we get a call that Mr. BillyBob needs help with his washer and, oh, by the way... Can we talk about how he can get off this drug thing?

How do these people get to the point where they'll humble themselves and ASK us if we can help them? BECAUSE WE'VE asked if we can help THEM. WE do the initial asking. And if they're thinkin we'll do just about anything we can to help, it's not such a bad thing to ask "them church people" to lend a hand or get them out of some kind of trouble. Not only will they ask for help from us, but they're willing to listen to how WE got help. From Him.

No one will listen to a stranger. But everyone will listen to a friend.

Adopt-A-Block is adopting new family into your own. They are family!!!! And you visit with them and spend time with them just like you do your own "live-in" family. Family sticks together. Especially our families out in Heights!:) And family sees the REAL lives other family members are living. They know if we are doing what we said we'd do. And if we're legit. or fake. That impresses them. They'll listen. When and IF they respect you. There's the difference.

Seek To Understand

Hi everyone!! I wanted to share what God has been putting in the front of my mind and my heart lately!! SEEK TO UNDERSTAND NOT TO BE UNDERSTOOD!! So many people want so bad for someone to understand them. How awesome would this world be if instead of searching to be understood we try to understand others. I am positive we would not have so many misunderstandings!! Would be less likely to be offended! The possibilities are endless..lol For real though God has been teaching me and changing me in this matter. Its not an easy thing to go through either. I want people to understand me!! To know where I am coming from! However hear lately it just has not seem important whether or not they do understand me. Its been more important for me to put myself in their shoes! To understand why they feel the way they do and maybe somehow give them some encouraging words!! I usually am not one who gets offended easily! But God has been stretching me in SO many ways! Knowing that he is changing my way of thinking, and my heart! Its so amazing because I know its changing to be more like him. How Exciting is that!! I desire to love unconditionally! Something I never had before in my life until I got a intimate relationship with God! Its funny I was just thinking of a conversation I had with a friend about a week or two ago. We were talking about being healthier and making better choices. We all have heard that saying NO PAIN, NO GAIN! Well we made up our own... NO PAIN, ALL GAIN!! I understand people deal with hurt and pain. Sometimes its hard to deal with. But if your trust is where it needs to be which is in our LORD! Then he will give us everything we need to get through it. He will comfort us, he will love us no matter what! I did not get that at first... I thought yeah wait until I do something wrong, but NO his love is unconditional. And that is who WE all need to strive to be. Love no matter what!! Try to understand!!! Not try to be understood!! and see how peaceful life can be!!!

What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Ok, God. You gave me this new thing to deal with, this new understanding. Now, dear God, give me the wisdom to use this knowledge. And rightly!!!!!!! I certainly don't want to end up where I did before all this happened.

Part of me is screaming, 'Don't you DARE go back there... Don't even think about it!' I have to think, I have to process this new information. Being the analytical woman I am, everything has to have its own place and BE in its own place. In my head....

I know these new things, now God. And I get why You showed them to me when You did. Now, please show me how You want me to use them!!!!! Obviously, for good and not evil, like any other good superhero... ;) Just don't let me deal with the upcoming cryptonite alone, will ya?

God, don't let me stumble. Don't let me fall. Not here. Not in this area again. PLEASE!!!! If it takes You moving to a new CONTINENT, then by all means, do it!!!!!!!!!! God, You of all people have seen that I cannot take temptation in this area. I am COMPLETELY weak... And I accept that, totally. And it's my fault I am weak. My soul cries out for what it cannot have. And what I NEED is more of You. Just... More.

So, fill up this void, huh? Make it FULL, satisfied... And make me complete. Without having to have someone else fill me up. I don't want men, I want You. Afterall, You're the only One Who hasn't lied to me yet. Guess I should stick with You then!

New (My) Perspective

Like this stuff. New to me, but apparently everyone else around has gotten this already. That's ok. I kinda like the fact that I'm utterly stubborn and have to learn things on my own in my own time. This way, I can have EMPATHY and not just sympathy for others with the same probs. :) That, and it would be an AWFULLY BIG mountain for God to crumble in my life, this stubbornness. So, I'm ok with being stubborn. At least I know I CANNOT be moved.

Ok, a lot of words just to say that I've FINALLY gotten a breakthrough. (Need a new word for that phrase. Over-used.) In what area, you all are desperately waiting to hear?

Relationships. With men.

I figured out a while ago what guys saw in me and why I was attractive to a certain type of men. They were seeing and NEEDING in me what they didn't have: true love. Stupidly, I thought I could show them. But my darn human brain perceived this love only through my own eyes. I could love only because He loved me. And these guys wanted that love. Through me. I couldn't do that. But I sure tried!!!!!

I was struggling with this especially lately.

(Poor Rob. Whenever I'm about to break through these situations and strongholds, it's always an excruciating process, not only for me but for my leadership!!!! And it sure has been a hard battle for this one. My director at the St. Louis Dream Center was getting a bit of this as well, but just got the tip of the iceberg. THANK GOD, both these men were willing to wage war alongside of me.)

Why did I get this stuff just now? Why not YEARS earlier? And why this hard?

We were studying John 6 and there is a scripture where the disciples said to Jesus, "This is a hard teaching." Yep, said the same thing. In fact, SCREAMED it at God quite angrily!!!!! (I'm a stinker!) Well, most of the disciples that said this to Jesus left Him.

What's the difference here?

I didn't leave. Only because I have no place else to go.

The road of depression was a consuming one for me and I knew I could never go back there again. So, where else could I go?

Hmmm... Depression? Or God? Let's see....

Yeah, you guessed it. "You chose wisely..." (From Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, fav movie.)

People've been thinking I am an obsessive. I can see why they think that. I don't let something go in my mind until it is done and OVER with. And I did that with this thing. I'm not leaving here until I see Your holy face... (My song.) And I did get it done. And it's over.

No longer can I be rejected. Because they never accepted me in the first place. They were looking for Him in me and THROUGH me, not looking for themselves or in them.

I haven't been loved. By a man, as in the way a husband is to truly love his wife. THANK GOD!!!! Because I want that to be something special, and only once. I want that love to be something undeniable. And aimed at me, not just Christ though me, but me because I am WORTH loving.

I am worth it. Not on my own, mind you, but because He makes me beautiful. Me. Not JUST Him, but me. I will be loved as me. Not as someone else's Savior, but as me, Anna Renae Robinson. Broken but beautiful.

Totally exhausted and feeling great

Man, I am so tired. But it is that really good, satisfied feeling tired. Tonight was the official DIVE kickoff--310 kids ages 3-12 were there to have a great time and learn about Jesus. I love these kids soooo much, an my heart breaks for them. When children 10-11 years old are in trouble because they are caught smoking, cussing, including the "f" bomb, drinking, etc., yet no one offers them any hope. They are robbed of their innocence before they are even old enough to know what innocence is. They run the streets doing whatever they want whenever they want as long as they stay out of their parents way. Then one day, when they get caught doing something bad, the parents who didn't have time for them suddenly have the time to beat the crap out of them. I know not every troubled kid comes from that environment, and even among the kids I know I couldn't tell you which ones have homes like that, and which ones don't. What I do know is that with a positive influence who will be there consitently in the child's life, they can have a hope and a future. We have to introduce these kids to Jesus, but we must understand that they have heard it before. People like to do "charity work" in the neighborhoods with disadvantaged kids. Instead of telling them about Jesus, we must be Jesus to these kids. We must never forsake them. We must love them till it hurts, and believe me, when you truly love them, it hurts. But man is it worth it when those kids come running up to you saying "I love you." Those are words some of their parents may rarely hear. As I do what I do, thinking I am going out to minister to these kids and teach them about Jesus, I realize more and more that it is those kids who are ministering to me and teaching me more about Jesus every day I am with them. I can understand more clearly why Jesus always said suffer not the little children to come unto me.

A little bit of everything!

So here I am blogging again when I have nothing I really want to say! I realize God brings me here to blog to stretch me! Sometimes I just don't want to be stretched anymore!! This past year I have been stretched from one end to another!! God has given me this awesome attitude! I am so grateful! I have been happy when I was being stretched cause I knew in the end its going to be good. (not so happy when it was happening..lol) I shared in the word this past Wednesday at youth group! Ever since I can remember I have been scared to death to speak in front of people. I have spoke in front of these kids at different times, but always was SO nervous! I thought I was going to get sick right in front of them. This Wednesday was different! I prayed and I prayed for God to help me not be scared cause I did not want the enemy to have any kind of foothold in my life. Well while I was talking I was pretty calm. I just spoke what I felt God wanted to speak (did forget some stuff) through me! it was nice for once not to be afraid! I know and kept repeating a verse over and over!! 2 tim 1:7 For God did not give me the spirit of fear, but of love, power and sound mind!! SEE ROB I do remember when I need to!! Man everytime the enemy was trying to put fear in me I just repeat that in my mind again! It was really cool and helped me to remember that God does not want me to be scared. He wants me to be obedient to what he tells me to do. Good thing that my faith is in him and not anything else! I honestly think that is what keeps me going! Cause I won't lie man there are times I am just like give me a break!! My heart can't take anymore hurt or disappointment! At the same time God is the one who made me! He KNEW I would not give up! Even though it had ran through my mind on several occasions! I thought maybe it would be easier to run home curl up and just not care! the problem is I have been in that place before. Its not fun! you DON'T get hurt, however you don't receive the joy in loving others!
Anna there are definitely times where I am like I need to know more stuff. I wonder why he chose me to do what I am doing and to be where I am at! I am not sure where he is taking me! Yeah I have been asked several times to come to an appointment with agenda and to tell someone WHAT i want from them. I HAVE NO clue most of the time! I don't know why God wants me to meet with people. I just know he does! My love language is quality time! If I don't spend time with you then well YOU don't know me! I know I am definitely worth spending time with!! There are times I just get sick of being the one who is trying to spend time with people. I am the one going after a relationship usually! The ones that I REALLY go after its because GOD has told me to! I don't even mind going after people who I want to be friends with, but sometimes I feel like I can't please them no matter what you know!! To be honest its hard for me to even open up mainly because I feel bad! I don't want to lay my problems on anyone! hmmmm anyway not sure where I was going with all that!!..lol... One thing I do want to say is the friends I have....my closest/best friends! They are my family! They are not just a friend I would definitely do ANYTHING for them!! Those are the ones I am doing ministry with! AND when the above is going on and you are feeling like crap and want to give up! Maybe tired of the race we run! Those are the people that GOD has placed in my life to kick my butt and get me going again! They are the ones that I thank GOD for everyday! They are the ones who encourage you, love you, and just do life with you! You can't do it on your own!!! God has blessed me with putting them in my life, without them it would be A LOT harder thats for sure! Here is one of my favorite quotes I wrote in my planner cause it helps me out A LOT!! We have the mind of Christ in us. Begin to develop it and use it! If what you're thinking isn't ministering life and peace to you, DON'T think it. If Jesus wouldn't think it, you Shouldn't think it either. :)

Antsy!

Man! I am gettin antsy! And it ain't a fun feelin!!!

There's so much I need to have in me and SUCH an urgency to get it. I'm gettin ready for whatever God wants me to do and I feel like I'm the grasshopper who's hurrying to get the supply in for winter and has waited too long to start storing stuff!!! I need so much more than I have now.

One of the major lessons from St. Louis was learning that I didn't have to know anything to minister to people. It's true! Don't laugh! The more I learned about ministry, the more I realized I didn't know anything and didn't NEED to know anything... Dumbfounding lesson for a person who has been told all her life that the more she knows is the more she's worth. And I have to be careful I'm not transferring that same thing onto this program I'm in. I don't want to think that I have to know everything before I'm ready and fully equipped to go into ministry. But I don't want to go out there without any wisdom at all and have to learn it at the expense of the very people God puts in front of me to minister to! Make sense, y'all?

Oh, it's so frustrating. I KNOW I'm so ignorant in so many areas. And that's one thing I don't want to be. If I'm not ignorant, then I feel better. Yes, that sounds selfish: I want to be more comfortable. And I know that ministry isn't supposed to be an area where one is comfortable. Though, when EVERY SINGLE AREA of ministry is UNCOMFORTABLE, then I'd at least like a little wisdome and a little less ignorance to help me get through it VICTORIOUSLY! Oh, God. Help!

Poor Rob. He's hearing all of this from me at the point where I'm most frustrated. I have to laugh, though. He DID ask God to bring us into the internship. He asked for it!!! And he doesn't know how to do this stuff. He's never done a Dream Center before. And he's never had interns before, let alone so many FEMALES he's discipling! Hard thing for such a blunt, less graceful man. His grace factor is certainly growin, I can tell you that!!!! I've been testing it here lately to some EXTREME lengths! Be praying for him. Lord knows I'm a test in and of myself! :)

But there are things that Rob is learning and that he's teaching. He's learning what discipleship looks like in this program for each one of us. For instance, for me? Discipleship is time. Time spent whether it's directly teaching in a classroom setting, teaching in a smaller setting, or just spending down time in the same room. That's me. And funny thing is, my "love language" isn't time. However, in order to disciple me, you have to know me. And I'm not one that opens up all my Pandora's boxes at whim! Nope. I require a crow bar and some time and/or brute strength to break apart this locked box. Rob has the brute strength (and sometimes brutal, though totally needed, words). Now, all that's needed for me is time.

What does discipleship look like to everyone else? What do they need in order to be discipled? I don't presume to know everything. (Yes, Rob. I admit I'm NOT a know-it-all.) Discipleship looks different for everyone else. It's just hard to tell the person who is discipling you WHAT you need. That's usually the reason you need to be discipled: find out what you need! Funny.

Maybe I'm just spouting.

Or maybe I make sense.

Doesn't matter.

God is still amazing. Perfect. And beautiful.

Even if I suck! ;)

Cool!

Well, it's been awful quiet in here. Especially lately! We've all been so stinkin busy, it's no wonder. July and August have been CRAZY months to live through!

Anyway. Update on what's going on in the brain of "Anna."

This weekend, we went to Toledo to help out another ATM church with an outreach. Talk about refreshing! We, Sarah T. and I, worked all weekend but got so much out of it, it's as though we went on a mini-vacation! Right on!

Friday night, we got there and immediately went to a church service. It was AWESOME! The service went on for 5 Hours!!!!! It felt like about 1, maybe. It was amazing! They had a worship team come in from Georgia, a church called Bethesda, and they rocked! The Spirit of God was moving and no one wanted to leave!!!!

They had an altar call for anyone who wanted to come up and just spend some time with God and His Holy Spirit!!!! (Miss having actual altar calls. Our church doesn't do that.) I went up there just to chill out with Jesus for a bit and was praying by myself sitting up against a wall in a corner when one of the ladies who sang back up came to pray for me. She said that God told her to come over and anoint my feet. So, she laid her hands on my feet and prayed, saying God was very soon going to be sending me into all the world. She said that my hands had already been anointed, but it was time for my feet!

Right on!!!!

God, You know what You've told me in that regard. I KNOW that You've called me into all the world, and You've given me a heart for the nations. Now? Is it now? Am I gonna get to go soon?!?!?!?!!?

Just make it Your timing, God. YOURS! Not Anna's. Not me.

Love Them

Anna girl I love you! I read your post a couple times. After I read it the first time I was like hmmm this deserves a second reading and a third..lol.. I completely feel you about the discipleship. I don't just want to lead people to christ! I want to motivate them and teach them to lead others to christ. I am so excited working with youth!! There is SOOOOOOO much I want to do. I have desire for so many things! I just have been praying to God to show me what HE wants me to do. Its not any good unless HE guides me!! I realize God has been teaching me A LOT this past year, about myself and others. I know he has so much more to teach me! I realize that there are SO many people out there that I know that I want to share God with them. I have this burning in my chest to just go out and yell his name! I realize he has been telling me to just LOVE them right now and be patient. Show them my love! There will be opportunities to share with them about me, but first you must truly love them. Encourage them, spend time with them. But MOST IMPORTANTLY LOVE THEM WITH A PURE HEART!! I started to write really not knowing what I wanted to say! Not sure if what I am saying even makes sense! I just want to thank GOD for all the blessings that he has given me. Even when I am having a hard day he shows me the one thing that makes it worth living. He is always by my side and I am NEVER ALONE!! Knowing that it always brings the light to a dark day. Thank him for giving you the ability to love so passionately. To love his children with every ounce of your being!! Sorry I don't mean to ramble! I love you guys!! Many Many Many blessings I pray for you guys and all you do....

Faith Without Works

This one is for me just as much as for anyone reading this. And, *****DISCLAIMER***** this won't be easy to read.

Yes, Faith Without Works... Is dead!!!!!

Remember Jesus saying this? That's right, He said it. And He meant it.

Now, why aren't we listening and FOLLOWING this teaching? Perhaps it's because we each define works as something different. Ok, then. Let's look at a perfect example of the works of Jesus. THERE'S where we can find our standard of works.

When Jesus was allowed to start telling the world the truth of Who He is, He immediately began walking and bringing up under Him. DISCIPLES! What does "The Great Commission" say? Go out into ALL the world and make disciples. THIS DOESN'T MEAN GO OUT AND FIND SOME PEW WARMERS! He said to make disciples out of all the world!!!!! No exceptions.

Ok, Anna. What have you made? What kind of people have you brought in? Are they pew warmers? Or are they true disciples? Do they have a BURNING within them to go out and make disciples just like they were made? Do they want to continue the legacy begun by Christ Himself then perpetuated by you?

Well... To be completely honest, there have been more pew warmers made than actual disciples. Why is that? I haven't continued with them. I showed them the truth and lived the life of a Godly woman in front of them.... But I didn't turn them into disciples. Why?!?!?! I thought, 'That's all I needed to do. I just needed to show them the way. God will do the rest.'

Yes, my God is an awesome, AMAZING God. But He needs US to be His hands, His feet, His mouth to his people. And not just for a one time experience, but for a lifetime of discipleship!!!!! This isn't a "program" where we are enlisted to sign up 5 different people and then have them sign up 5 more people... etc. This is a LIFESTYLE! This is a life totally different from selling magazine subscriptions or Mary Kay. Get this! This is a way of life! Not to be taken lightly, I'll add.

Y'all are thinkin, 'Ok, what's gotten into her britches!?!?' I went to Harp and Bowl last night, our prayer time at church, and had to get up and leave the room because I was so frustrated. And the frustration was with myself as well as with those in the room. I know I wasn't the only one who felt this way either.

I was 'righteously indignant' about how our city, county, and region has been praying for hope to come for GENERATIONS! I'm not talking about praying for a revival of this area with praying for a few weeks. What I'm saying is this; since this area was populated, we've been praying for hope to come here. We've wanted hope for the indians, hope for the "wayward" laggard or drunk, hope for our government, and now hope for EVERYONE not saved and living a life of sin.

Why hasn't this "GREAT HOPE" come?

DUH!!!!!!!!

Because we've been praying for it inside of our churches and in our homes. WE HAVEN'T BEEN OUT GIVING THE VERY HOPE WE ARE PRAYING FOR FOR OTHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can we expect God to work a miracle of hope if we are terrified of getting out of our home churches or plain ole homes? WE ARE THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD! And where there is light, there is hope. 'Light at the end of then tunnel. A light in dark times.' We are light, we are hope, AND we are the only thing keeping us from finding that great revival we've all so desperately wanted to come to our area. Heck, our country!

Sure, I've been prideful and full of myself and said, "Nobody else can say that they are actually living for God like I can. I'm living in the intern house, afterall." God, forgive me!!!!! I haven't been living. I've been HIDING! I've been hiding in the intern house, behind programs for God, and forgot all about the WORK for God.

I have faith and have been called a woman of faith. But if my works aren't there, and the fruit certainly isn't, then my faith is DEAD! Do you guys get this? DEAD!!!!! As in not LIVING!

What can I do, God? Yes, ask your forgiveness. Ok, then. God, PLEASE forgive me for being so stuck in what I thought was living for You. Change my ideas, change my heart so that I might have YOUR heart. And now? MAKE ME BOLD!!!!!! Show me the ways You want me to work for You. And don't just show me. SHOW THEM!!!!! Show whoever is reading this. BURN their hearts, burn with correction and with passion. Burn me, God. BURN ME!!!!!!!